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I'm f*cked up and i know it...

People have started to distance them selves from me and i don't blame them. Why get with a person that is only going to make you uneasy or that you don't know if any thing you say will cause a break down. So why put your self through that stress and drama. I know others are fine with me, but get frustrated with me because they don't see me trying to help my self. (which i am but it might not seem like it, taking baby steps) For even others, they have more important stuff in their lives they need and should deal with.

I have done stuff that i am not proud of, in fact i am very sorry to the people i did it to. the best way i can describe it is i feel like i am drowning and these people tried to help only to be pulled down with me. I regret the times i have done this. i feel bad that i caused people pain or stress that should never been even pointed to them.

Lately i have been dealing with some stuff that happened in april, in which i found out i did do a lot of the stuff that i thought i had been doing. Since then i have found other instances of this had taken place with other people. I do not like that.

I talk alot about my depression here. But not a lot of the stuff i write down is actually sent out. To personal even for me to share. I know there are a lot of people that keep saying "i wished he would just shut up about this, we understand you are screwd up in the head, give it a break" and i don't blame them. but its kind of like my way of grasping out for reality. I want to be able to plant those seeds and hopefully it would out grow what i have been growing for years now.

So to all of those people that i have upset, made mad because of the way i think, please know that i am dealing with things. I also dont mean to be such a stress causing person. Hell i know that even with this journal entry i will make some of you upset and i don't blame you for being so. you deserve better from me than the same old thing with out a ending of it in site... please note that i am trying to stop that feeling in my own self...


Uncle Duke
Jimmy Hollaman and GUS

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