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me on being me.....

in this world i have found i am good, no great at one thing. Seeing the negative side of things. This sadly is not a good thing. i send out a email to some one with a question, and i don't hear back from them... well i think that i have done some thing wrong and they are angry with me. i can't see that they are to busy, or to bushed from working all day, no i see that i have made a mistake. Sadly this brings on panic attacks. Some times i will write and send out a multiple posting of emails saying i'm sorry or that i'm sorry for sending them the other emails... In the end i will see me as the bad person. This brings on my own view on depression. i will place the stuff thats has happened on to a bigger pile of old thoughts. Sadly this makes it all come down. and as i try to pile it up again, it causes me to sink in to it a little more. And oddly enough it can all stop in a instant when i get a email back from the person saying they have been busy or out of town. Just a little note will stop it all from coming down on me.

There is another part of me that sees thing in people that they say is not true, but i can't help but see it that way. Some times this is me telling them that i don't believe that they are not angry with me or going to stop being my friend. its a gut reaction and one i hate to say i can't control. And i know its not true, but in my mind there is no difference. Because of this i have caused some people to start to back off from me a little. Not that they don't like me, its just that they don't want to deal with a episode of the way i think. They don't want to be stuck in a car or any place for that matter where they deal with me in that mode. i don't blame them for that. of course this adds to the thought processes. A no win situation.

Depression sucks and i really mean just that. it sucks the fun out of me, it sucks the creativity out of me, it takes and sucks the drive out of me to want to change. i have been playing with the thought of going to a psychologist. Some days i want to go, others its taken away. Some days i get the guts up to learn to drive, other days it stalls it out.

Also being me stops me from reminding people of things that they promised me they would do. Going out to eat, going out to do some art stuff, taking photos at places, and many more items. i'm told that i need to remind them of the stuff that they promised. But i don't feel right doing so. For one i don't like the feeling of begging. While to you it might not be begging, in my eyes it is. (and for the most part, you will always be correct on the fact its not begging, but my mind will not allow it to be seen that way) Secondly, i like the feeling of being remembered. Its a great feeling.

in the end, i never have any thing to show for being me. i'm working on changes. hopefully i can do so.

(hell this post was started by a panic attack, that is still being fueled at this time)


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 4th, 2009 01:30 pm (UTC)
For me, depression doesn't suck so much as crush-- it's like being at the bottom of a really deep pool, and the pressures are crushing in all around. Logically, I know that after a while I'll eventually start feeling better again. The waiting is the hardest part.
Jan. 4th, 2009 08:41 pm (UTC)
Jimmy, I understand more than you will ever know. I could have written every single word of your post because I have been in that exact same place.

The panic attacks are like some cruel practical joke. You know what is happening and you can't make it stop.

I take two anti-depressants, Effexor in the morning and Cymbalta at night. They work most of the time.

I am here and I do think about you. Hugs from CA, cleo
Jan. 6th, 2009 09:42 pm (UTC)
I did realize that for some people that I though they were not following thru that it was they were waiting for me to tell me when I could do something and I was waiting for them to ask.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )


Uncle Duke
Jimmy Hollaman and GUS

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