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On which i confess

I have lost confidence in my self. I use to dance at conventions. I use to sell my art. I use to write. Sadly as the years have went by, I slowly have stopped doing all of that. The self hatred and self loathing i had worked to keep at bay has slowly crept over the damn I had built and washed away that confidence I had tried to keep.

What does this mean? I have not written any thing since the Wizard of Oz story i did for a anthology from Yard Dog Press. It sadly was to short to be used in the anthology and i can tell you why it was so short. It took every thing i had to write out what I did. There was so much more to the story i had in my head and it would not come out.

I have been having trouble lately with art work. I can't seem to be able to draw any thing. Well i was able to draw snowmen and women, but that was all. For almost a year now, that is all i could draw. I finally got some other thoughts in my head after i saw a artist do some water color pictures of jack-o-lanterns. I loved them and thought I would try it out and I could do some marker art jack-o-lanterns. This was a big thing for me. I wanted to sell them so i could make some extra cash and be able to buy some much needed art supplies.

Sadly the confidence disappeared. I had been working on 31 jack-o-lanterns. 10 of each of 3 different sizes. (the 31st one being one of the small ones only on the paper sideways)I had almost got to the end and poof, my confidence was gone. i had started to think about it and questioned why would any one buy them. Why do the art and try to sell them when i knew that no one would buy them. The thing is, i don't know if any one would have or not because i never got it set up to sell. I just automatically thought the worse case scenario and that stopped me.

So now i have a small stack of jack-o-lantern art that will just be tossed in to a box of art that will most likely be tossed some time down the line. I can't force my self to even think of trying to sell it.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
matthewsrotundo
Aug. 10th, 2015 01:22 pm (UTC)
That sucks. I'm sorry to hear it.

But remember this: depression lies. It's lying to you when it tells you that no one will buy your work. It's lying when it tells you that nothing you do is of any value.

It's a lie. Don't believe it.
jimmy_hollaman
Aug. 10th, 2015 04:06 pm (UTC)
I know the lies. I know that they are lies, not even close to being true. Sadly, my mind will not allow me to believe things that are true. This has caused me to hurt people i love and care about. Sigh….
rowyn
Aug. 13th, 2015 01:25 am (UTC)
Those two abstract marker/polaroids that you gave me are still some of my favorite pieces or art. <3
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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Uncle Duke
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Jimmy Hollaman and GUS
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